Don’t ever decide to do it doggy style when you’ve only just finished dinner like an hour before, and you have reflux, and you are out of medication for your reflux so you haven’t taken anything for it in like a week.

That could have ended badly…

Sometimes when I feel bad I like to go to the depression, self harm, self image, etc tags and send people anon asks letting them know that they are beautiful the way they are and that things will get better. To visit their blog and let them know that they aren’t alone and people do care.

It is really sad to see so many 14 and 15 year olds with the rest of their lives ahead of them, ready to give that up. Oh I understand, I understand those feelings completely…but I just wish no one had to feel that way, I know it hurts and hell I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

All too often people troll those tags, telling eating disordered people that they look fat today, suicidal people to go kill themselves, depressed people to just cheer up life isn’t that bad. Look I know trolling online is a trend and all, but these things that you say could really hurt someone.

I think I might defer for the rest of this year…I was going to defer for the final tri anyway, but I have been in such a bad place for the last few weeks that this is probably the way to go.

I have to call the psych tomorrow to tell them I need an appointment and have a referral. I’m nervous.

I also need to finish all of my assessment stuff because I’m already late at submitting it.

My fiance pointed out that, if I can’t even do uni, how in the hell am I expecting to be able to hold down a job. I think I am on the right path right now, but I’m doubting my abilities again. I want to make something of myself. But at the moment it seems impossible.

Sometimes it just takes all of my energy to keep breathing…then I think, I should be past these feelings by now.

How the fuck does this shit happen to me.

One time my doctor told me you aren’t supposed to feel pain in your sleep…really? Tell that to my fucking stomach then!

…if it was an accident, fine. If you do this shit on purpose to be ‘edgy’ or ‘funny’…

Freaking out about not finishing my assignment in time, can feel a panic attack creeping up…wanting to take my anxiety meds, but if I do, I’ll be too fucking doped up to be of any use in doing my assignments

When I heard we were drawing each other today the anxiety of looking at someone and having them look at me was too much, so I bailed from my art prac (and we all know how much I usually love art prac). These panic attacks are making me miserable and happening far too often. I think I might need to go and bug the doctor about them again.

Fuck I’m pathetic.

I’m sick of going to the doctor. I’m sick of every time I move house, making sure that we are reasonably close to the doctor/hospital since I go there so often for stomach pains and we don’t have a car. I’m sick of not being able to eat heaps of food, or fearing eating out for the times when the food has things in it that make my stomach pains and nausea worse. I’m sick of spending days on the couch and missing so much school. I’m sick of my weight fluctuating all over the place. I’m sick of simultaneously being forever fucking hungry, yet unable to eat another bite, and terrified of food. I’m sick of constantly seeing doctors but never ending up with a diagnosis, treatment plan or medications to help me in the long run. I’m sick of tests and talking, of trying new things.

I’m just sick.

Me rambling, bipolar and anxiety stuff…if you read this, you deserve a cookie.

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Trypophobia isn’t a ‘recognized phobia’ in terms of it being accepted and diagnosed by many psychs, but many people (about 28 in 100) suffer from it. Hard to get real stats on it though, given that research is still being done about it.

Basically it is a fear of clusters of small holes, or clusters of holes with things inside them. For instance if you google Trypophobia usually the first image (or one of) that comes up is a photoshopped image of a girl with barnacle cluster holes or lotus pod holes on her face/arms/legs. It isn’t always necessarily a fear of, but it gives you the extreme heebie jeebies…like skin crawling, nausea, anxiety feelings.

TRIGGER WARNING - do not click ‘read more’ if the above mentioned things creep you out, you have been warned.

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Ugh my stomach is churning, I feel like I need a boiling hot shower. Saw a picture here that triggered my Trypophobia, but did find a neato article about why some people are creeped out by clusters of holes from an evolutionary standpoint. Clicked forward to go to the website explaining the phobia, and they’ve got a bunch of photos on the page (I guess to help explain), I was all like ‘Nonononononononononono!’ *closes tab* urk *shudders*

You’d think they’d at least put them behind a trigger warning or something…

So we have a friend who was brought up hunting. His father did it, and his father before him in Greece, etc etc. They kill the animals ‘humanely’ (commas for the fact that I don’t believe in killing animals for food, but I suppose if people are going to do it then it is best they do it in the least painful way possible for the animal…even if it isn’t the most respectful sometimes). They only kill what they will eat too, which I can respect.

Sometimes he forgets that I am a vegetarian when he regales groups of friends with a hunting story, and they do tend to upset me. But he apologizes he simply forgets as he really doesn’t spend time around non-meat eaters or animal rights people. Sometimes he asks me questions about it, but they aren’t rude, simply to cure his curiosity.

My point? His choice is different to my choice, and while neither of us necessarily agrees with the other’s choice, we can respect each other’s right to make that choice and the fact that we were both raised very differently. I don’t push my beliefs onto him and he doesn’t push his beliefs onto me.